Panic Redux

Yesterday I had a panic attack.  It was a really bad one.  I thought that I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die.  What made the whole situation worse is that I was watching my eight year old nephew. I woke up yesterday and felt a passing pain in my chest.  I sat up and I immediately felt light headed.  It was more than that.  I felt as if I wasn’t fully in my body.  I felt as if I was about to leave it.  My heart started racing.  I tried to calm myself done. … Continue reading Panic Redux

The Top Ten Things I Hate About Being Fat #6: I Hate Feeling Pretty for a Fat Girl

I love dressing up. I’m a real girly girl.  I love clothing, I love make up and I love feeling cute.  I go through glamour girl periods where I do my makeup every day and I wear really cute clothes.  Actually, I think that I can safely say, as long as my paycheck allows,  I’m a clothes’ horse.  I usually always make sure that my hair is presentable.  But I don’t bother with makeup.  Mostly, I tell myself that it’s too much work or I’m afraid of applying it wrong and going out looking a fool.  Sometimes though no matter … Continue reading The Top Ten Things I Hate About Being Fat #6: I Hate Feeling Pretty for a Fat Girl

The Top Ten Things I Hate About Being Fat #7: I Hate Being Sweaty and Out of Breath All the Time

I am a college instructor.  Usually I teach on campuses where I have to park and then walk or take the bus.  I can’t tell you how many times I have arrived to class and had to stop before I opened the door because I was gasping for breath.  I couldn’t face my students out of breath.  I knew they would automatically be thinking about my weight as in, “Oh shit, she’s so fat!! Why is she so damn fat!”  The last thing I want is for anyone to be thinking about the size of my body.  I know that … Continue reading The Top Ten Things I Hate About Being Fat #7: I Hate Being Sweaty and Out of Breath All the Time

Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat #8: I Can’t Travel While I’m This Fat

I want to travel.  I have always dreamed of going to Paris.  I’m not sure why.  I have always wanted to travel period.  I want to travel to Europe.  I’ve always wanted to go to England, Spain and France.  I’m not sure why.  I know I want to do tourist type things like see the Eiffel Tower and Buckingham Palace.  When I was younger I thought of all the adventures that I would have in Paris or London.   Usually my adventure would include some sort of paranormal activity.  Sometimes they would involve saving the world like the Xmen, but … Continue reading Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat #8: I Can’t Travel While I’m This Fat

The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat: #9 I Can’t Wear What I Want To

I hate not being able to wear what I want.  I love clothes.  I love all the major plus sized clothing retailers–Lane Bryant, Avenue, Kiyonna, and Sonsi— but there are a lot of clothes in straight sizes that I absolutely love and would love to be able to wear.  I would also like to be able to walk in a store like Macy’s and buy a nice dress.  I would like not to have a meltdown whenever I have to go to a wedding or other special event.  Formal wear in size 30/32 is pretty hard to find.  The last … Continue reading The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat: #9 I Can’t Wear What I Want To

The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat: #10 I Hate Thinking About My Appearance All the Time

I was watching the movie Jawbreaker last night.  What struck me most about this movie were the bodies of the high school girls.  Rose McGowan, Julie Benz and Rebecca Gayheart were voluptuous: curvy backsides, muscular legs, flat stomachs and ample breasts.  They looked great.  When I was in high school, I would have been embarrassed to look like that. If I’m being honest I would say that I have been uncomfortable with my body since puberty.  I developed early.  By the time I was in sixth grade I already had prominent breasts.  I’ve always been bigger than the other girls … Continue reading The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Being Fat: #10 I Hate Thinking About My Appearance All the Time