What do I Want?

My littlest niece, NeeNee, said to me the other day, “KaKa, I wish you were skinny.” I asked her why she said that and she said, “Because you’re thick.” That’s my sensitive sister’s influence. Her child would never say the word “fat.” No, she is being taught polite, sensitive, pseudo, positive  words like “thick.” Hey, sister dear, why don’t you teach your children that there is nothing wrong with “thick” bodies? Why don’t teach your children not to comment on other people’s bodies? Why don’t you teach your children that women are more than their bodies? That would be a true revolutionary act. Why don’t you teach your daughters that they are more than their bodies and that women are more than how “hot” other people think they are?

I’m tired of my body being a “family” problem. My family tries to say that they are worried about my health, but I call bullshit. This dialogue about my weight has been happening my whole life and it is not about my health it is about my not being their vision of attractiveness. One of my clearest memories is my mother telling me, “Fat only looks good on a pig.” My mother has lived in fear of my potential for fatness since I was little. Her fear of my fatness led her to treat me like a food criminal. She had to monitor every morsel that entered my mouth so I wouldn’t fullill my fat destiny.

Being fat is not a crime. Having a a fat body is no reason to be ashamed. I sometimes feel bullied by just being fat in public, even if no one says anything to me, but I’m just internalizing the fat hate and phobia that I grew up with and that I see in my mother’s eyes everyday and hear in her voice. I’m living with the biggest bully that I have ever met. My mother has always made me feel worthless for not being thin, but I’m not buying into her bullshit anymore.

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