Sick and Tired of Being Utterly Disgusted

Yesterday, I got sick of living in a filthy room.  There was a pile of dirty clothes puddled right outside the bathroom door.  There was cat puke on the rug and empty water bottles everywhere and random papers on the floor.  There was also a lot of roaches.  I live in a finished basement.  We have roaches and the summer heat has only made that situation worse.  They seem to be attracted to the area where I keep Nella’s food and water.  I’ve been disgusted to actually see a bunch of roaches congregating around Nella’s water bowl as if they having a pool party.  I have OCD.  Any type of mess, clutter or uncleanliness drives me crazy.  Mess paralyzes me.  All week, I lay on my bed in the basement and watched TV.  It was hot.  I did nothing.  I didn’t exercise.  I didn’t write.  I just laid there and felt utterly disgusted by the filth around me.  Yesterday, I as I wrote my morning pages, I came to a conclusion.  I have to stop being passive.

Instead of being upset at the mess in my room, I started to clean up and I immediately felt better.  All it took was making one move in a positive direction. I began to think more clearly and feel more positive.  I also felt a lot less agitated.  A lot of my anxiety is related to my OCD.  By last night, my room was clean and I was at peace.

I spend a lot of time feeling very upset about certain situations in my life.  I’m upset about my lack of a job.  I’m upset that I’m not a published author.  I’m upset that I’m still living in my mom’s basement.  I’m upset that I’m not exercising on a regular basis.  Yet when I began to think about how I can get out of these situations I run into all these roadblocks.  I don’t have a job because I can’t get an employer to call me for an interview.  I’m not a published author because I’m not writing.  I would write but it will take a really long time to write a book, then an even longer time to find an agent and sell my book to a publishing house and what if the book doesn’t sell?  I’m not exercising because I need to resolve my job situation before I can do anything else.  I used to see roadblocks but now I see that they are excuses.  I’m making these excuses so that I don’t have to do anything.  If my life is not in my hands then I don’t have to do anything to make it better.  I have to just wait.  I hate waiting.  I hate it.

I think that my passivity may mask fear.  I’m so afraid of failing that I can’t even try.  I need to stop this.  I need to make a change.  A clean room is a good start.  Let’s see what else I can do.

Thanks for Reading,

Karen 

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2 thoughts on “Sick and Tired of Being Utterly Disgusted

  1. I identify with how you feel a lot!

    Disorder, germs, messes — these things often paralyze me, too. That’s the immediate reaction I usually have, and it’s a constant struggle I have to fight against. I have a big fear of ants. So when there are ants in the kitchen, I don’t want to touch anything they’re on or near, or anything they might’ve touched. It makes me not want to do or touch anything in that area because I feel so much cleaning would have to be done to negate the germs!

    Yet once I actually start cleaning, my feelings usually subside. I went through enough compulsive hand-washing as a child to realize that at a certain point, it’s just “good enough”, so if I can actually get to the point of starting to clean, I don’t find myself doing it compulsively like I used to. But the obsessive fear is definitely still there. :\

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