Lately, especially since this latest trouble with my family, I’ve been viewing myself the way I think that other people see me. When I look at myself that way, what I see I don’t like. I see a fat woman with three chins. I see a face with a lot of moles. I see someone with legs like two great big cooked turkey drumsticks, meaty up top and bony at the bottom. Then I start to the see myself through the eyes of the people who don’t like me. I see someone who sits alot. Someone who is quiet and doesn’t seem to have much emotion. I need to stop that shit.
It’s my job to live my life. To see life through my eyes. It’s not my job to see myself the way that other people might see me. It’s my job to be on my side. If I’m not my own advocate who will be? Empathy is one of my best qualities. It is what makes me a great fiction writer. Unfortunately, my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. Because I’m so empathetic, I always see my opponent’s side of things. There are many things wrong with that, but the two most important are: 1. I’m guessing at my enemy’s motivations and I’m probably assuming that they are better people than they actually are. 2. It’s my job to defend myself. For example, when the asshole rather rudely told me that I shouldn’t be eating the dinner that my sister had prepared because I don’t help her enough, that I in fact sleep all day, naturally I was pissed. But I also managed to see the situation from his supposed perspective. His wife works hard to take care of three kids and his sister in law could help more, could ease her sister’s burden, but for some reason she doesn’t. The problem with this line of thinking is that A. the asshole had no right to say anything to me period. He should have just kept his mouth shut. The asshole is quite the bully and one of his techniques is criticizing me constantly. I don’t deserve that simply because I don’t do that to him. What he does is not my business and vice versa. Also, I don’t live in that asshole’s house and he doesn’t support me. He has no right. B. I’m giving the asshole good intentions when I don’t know what his intentions are. C. It’s my job to be on my side, not to be on his. I shouldn”t aid that scum in his attack on me.
I think that I’m trapped by the image of the fat bitch. I’m terrified of being seen as a fat bitch. It is one thing to be fat. It is one thing to be a bitch. It is something else to be seen as a fat bitch. Maybe my fear has to do with the belief that I will be rejected out of hand for being fat, but if I’m nice enough then I can get people to like me despite my weight. I have to get past this notion.
I want to love myself (or at the least accept myself) unconditionally. I also don’t want to have to bend over backwards pleasing everyone else because I’m fat. It’s not my job to please other people and any decent person is going to like me whether or not I please them or do things for them.
One of my short term goals is to concentrate on seeing the world through my eyes instead of seeing myself through someone else’s.
Thanks for Reading,