I hate not being able to wear what I want. I love clothes. I love all the major plus sized clothing retailers–Lane Bryant, Avenue, Kiyonna, and Sonsi— but there are a lot of clothes in straight sizes that I absolutely love and would love to be able to wear. I would also like to be able to walk in a store like Macy’s and buy a nice dress. I would like not to have a meltdown whenever I have to go to a wedding or other special event. Formal wear in size 30/32 is pretty hard to find. The last family event that I attended was my aunt’s wedding. Family gatherings are hard for me. I come from a large family of ultra skinny and ultra blunt Bajans. We hail from the Caribbean island of Barbados. I am the largest member of my family. My family is not shy about expressing their feelings about my body and it’s not like I can cuss them out and walk away.
It took me forever to find a dress for that wedding. I was living in State College, PA at that time and miraculously enough there were no plus sized clothing stores in that town. I was forced to order dresses off the internet. When the dress didn’t fit or wasn’t formal enough, I had to mail the dress back to the retailer and continue my search. I finally ordered a pretty yellow dress with a pink rose print from Kiyonna.com. When it arrived and I tried it on, it felt a little snug, but I figured that once I was wearing a torso length girdle that it would be tolerable. I was wrong.
When I put on the dress the day of the wedding, it fit too snuggly around my hips and butt. I had to constantly keep pulling it down so that it wouldn’t ride up. I stayed seated during the entire wedding reception because I was so embarassed about how that dress looked on me. I hadn’t seem some of my cousins in years, but I could hardly think about anything besides that dress.
Unfortunately, I always seem to have an issue with my clothes. I’m always pulling down a shirt to cover my big butt or trying to prevent my pants from gathering between my legs. I have just accepted it as part of my big, fat life. I now realize that I have the power to change all of that.