Waiting

Do you ever feel as if you are waiting for your life to begin? Do you ever think that when I lose the weight then everything will fall into place? These thoughts are double edged for me. On one hand they give me hope that my life will get better. On the other hand (especially since I just turned 36) I can’t help but think that I’ve wasted so much of my life waiting; waiting to lose weight and waiting for my life to begin.

Before this latest bout with depression (which started summer 2010) I felt good about where I was in my life. I had followed my bliss. I quit teaching sixth grade and entered into a creative writing program so I could pursue my dreams of being a novelist. I was working with a therapist to address my OCD and anxiety problems and I had friends and a social life. I was fine with where I was in my life. It seemed as if I was where I was supposed to be. Then I slipped into the bell jar.

During the height of my depression, I would wake up in the morning, find a movie on Netflix, and order in breakfast. I would spend all day in bed, eating takeout and watching TV on my computer. I was unemployed and thought I would never find another job. Then I moved to Philly and into my mom’s basement and turned 36.

I used to be fine with my age. I groaned a little bit each year as I inched towards 30 and then beyond, but I was good where I was with my life so my age didn’t really bother me. But then I got depressed and turned 36 and once I got up out bed I realized that I had gained 75 pounds.

Now I’m beginning my weight loss journey again and hopefully for the last time, but I can’t help wondering, am I where I’m supposed to be in my life or have I wasted years of my life waiting for my life to begin once I lose the weight?

Does anyone else out there feel the same as me? Do you feel like your life will begin once you’ve lost the weight?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s